Urinal Splashback Bathroom Humor – Thoughts From Zon

Urinal Splashback Bathroom HumorBathroom Humor via Big Box Store

So I find myself standing in a big box store the other day minding my own business and not really looking for anything in particular, but just wasting some time. I tend to be able to space out fairly easily and it doesn’t take me long to entertain myself with the smallest of things. So needless to say a big box store can provide me with an hour of entertainment at any given time that I may need to waste an hour of my day – (you should read that sentence as – “fuck i’m really bored waiting for someone to hurry their ass up decorative shopping“).

I happened to be in a home improvement store – I had wandered through several other uninteresting stores by this time – and noticed that there seemed to be an unusual amount of activity near the public restrooms. While this could have just been a busy Saturday where people had to really take a piss – I chose to believe that it was something more profound then that, and sat down to watch the free CSI mystery that was unfolding. Let the bathroom humor ensue.

The first clue that struck me as an oddity was the fact that there were multiple store employees gathered by the entrance to the public rest area. Keeping in mind that this entrance was both to the gentlemen and ladies facilities so I was unsure as to where they were pointing at this time. There were three employees standing in a small cluster quietly, but very animatedly conversing about something that I could not overhear from my vantage point. At one juncture there seemed to be a proclamation from the in charge employee to which the other to both threw up their arms emphatically as if they were signaling an incomplete catch in a football game. To which the employee in charge decided to move the conversation to the help desk and involve a phone call to what I could only assume was the manager who could not be bothered by low level employee bathroom humor.

At this point I noticed a man in his mid twenties walking towards the bathroom and thought that surely this would provide some glimmer of insight as to what the issue was the employees had been talking about which clearly involved the bathroom at this store. I patiently waited for his brain to process the fact that he had just polished off a twenty ounce soda and needed to visit he urinal immediately before he pissed himself. Within a few moments he got the “oh shit, have to pee” face an off he went merrily trotting into the mens facility.

Now if you are not a man I do not expect you to fully realize how short of a time it actually takes to piss in a urinal. While I know some ladies have done this – that is another story for another day. Needless to say – if you have to go, and you’re a guy – it realistically takes less then a minute to get in, pull out and deliver. This mid twenties hipster was in there for less then 15 seconds and came out with a look on his face like he had just seen the horse show in Tijuana.

Well fuck – now I was hooked. What could be in there? I had to find out, its not like I had anything else to do that was more important then a bathroom crime scene investigation of a public rest area – and besides, now I had to piss myself. So off I went, walking briskly and with purpose to an unknown but surely horrifying and yet oddly entertaining calamity that awaited me around the first bend of the bathroom.

As I neared the bathroom I braced myself for what I might find but as I got inside I found myself disappointing. There seemed to be nothing of interest. Surely nothing that would make a man run in fear, or force employees to call management for a disaster preparedness plan. By now I had to piss like a race horse does when your not looking (but secretly you are) at his junk. As I pulled up to the urinal and unleashed the dragon – I noticed a faint oder wafting towards me from a previously unseen urinal that was placed around the backside of the entrance to the room. As I continued my unleashing of the dragon the oder became much more pronounced and attacked my senses with a full bodied assault. I leaned a little to the right in an attempt to see my attacker, and sure enough there is was. A huge pile left in the unsuspecting urinal off to the corner -and it had a hat!

In my haste to see more of this completely awesome and revolting work of man art I forgot to watch where I was aiming and managed to piss on the wall, and as such splashed back on myself. Son of a bitch! Now I had piss on me, the wall, and a crap with a hat in the other urinal. Wtf. And as luck would have it, I now heard the employees back at the entrance to the bathroom discussing their plan of attack in muffled tones.

There was only one option in a scenario such as this. I must take a look at the crap art left in the urinal and then run away.

I folded back up everything and tucked it away behind the splash marks that were even now starting to dry on my pants and moved quickly the hidden urinal where I found what could only have been an east African elephant dump. This massive piece was such that it was to the bottom rim of the urinal base plate, to which someone had in a flash of brilliance placed a tooth pick sticking straight up and then a mini party hat on top of that.

Pure, unadulterated, genius.

Now that I had seen the unknown and completely awesome – but still revolting pile with a top hat – I had to make an exit. As I walked out from the bathroom, the three employees stopped their conversation and looked awkwardly but knowingly at me in a silent nod as to what I had just seen. As I looked back solemnly and nodded in acceptance that we had all witnessed greatness I noticed one of them was not looking at me, but instead at my pants – which had piss spots all over them. I shrugged, and said “Fuck it, when a man dumps in a urinal and puts a hat on it – that is a day I can piss myself and not care”

As I exited the store I was perplexed by the complexity of what I had just seen. Questions began to consume my brain. Had the artist dropped his pants and sat in the urinal bowl to take the shit? Did they take the shit in a stall and then somehow maneuver the payload to the urinal? If they had sat in the urinal and crapped it out – what was the thought process when someone else walked in to use the bathroom. Were they just like “Oh hi – don’t mind me i’m crapping in the urinal because it provides me a ball wash at the same time”?

Things to ponder on your next visit to a public rest room – could you crap in a urinal? Would you give it a top hat?

Things you should take away from this post:

  1. Shitting in a urinal is a lot harder then it appears at first thought.
  2. Always, and I mean always dress your urinal shits up in some sort of outfit.
  3. Pay attention to your angle of piss at a urinal – it will splash back on you with no remorse.
  4. Attempting to launch a projectile shit from stall to urinal requires some physics training.

Home Building – Finding the Right Plot of Land

New Home BuildingHome Building Can Be A Pain In The Ass – Start off with the right land!

Finding the right plot of land for your new home is a lot like finding your first true love. The land has to make you feel good in all the right places and comfort you when you’re feeling down. In finding the right land to build on you really need to do some solid research before rushing head first into purchasing the land.

Some things to consider when looking at plots of land to build on:

1) Do you have road frontage or a right of way?
This is a major thought process that you need to find out as much details about as possible first and foremost. If you have plenty of road frontage for your property you can do your home building closer to the road which cuts down majorly on construction costs for water and sewer lines if on public systems. If you have a right of way to your plot of land you will most likely be constructing a road that goes by, around, or near someone else s property. This can lead to all sorts of hidden costs such as water and sewer piping if on public systems, power lines and telephone pole installation to get power to your home etc. Be sure to have your realtor get you a defined plot plan of the property to accurately see the land in question.

2) Have you physically walked the property?
You need to put some boots on and walk the entire piece of land you are looking at purchasing. This is the number one must do when considering buying land to do home building. Things to look for when walking the land include – is it dry land? marshy? any brooks or streams? what kind of trees are on the land? All of these questions need to be looked at. Dry land is a must if you want to keep your home from becoming flooded. When building a new home (especially in areas that have snow/rain fall) you have to consider all seasons. Does your land have a good section of solid, dry, flat area to build your home on? If you’re considering building a home near a marsh or swampy area also consider that those spots are great locations for bugs and mosquitoes. Also consider that if you build near a brook or stream you have very specific setbacks you must adhere to where you cannot be within a certain amount of distance from the center of the stream before you can build.

3) Are other plots of land nearby for sale?
This is a consideration that you need to look at when buying land that has many other plots around it for sale as well. What looks like a hidden out of the way piece of property today could very turn into a large neighborhood with lots of house all around yours in a few years. Ask your realtor for a plot plan for the subdivision or acres surrounding your land in question. If you are concerned with the closeness of other possible houses around you consider purchasing the plot of land next to your primary piece. This takes more money up front of course, but privacy comes at a price. An additional plot of land can also be a good investment for the future as you could sell it off if the market value increased.

4) Set Back & Building Envelope Restrictions
These come into play when considering the size of the plot of land you are looking to build on. Your house size is always going to be determined first by the amount of land available to build on. While you may be purchasing a plot of land that is listed as 1 acre – the local ordinances and set backs will determine the actual amount of land you can build on. Always consult with your home builder first to decide what type of home you want to build and how big a footprint it will have – then compare to the plot zoning before putting in an offer on the land.

As always these are just my personal opinions and suggestions, they are not absolute rules or gospel. Use your own judgement and act accordingly when purchasing real estate.


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Dwolla Coming of Age?

Dwolla is an online payment processing service that aims to be different from Paypal in the way that they charge for their services. They have an interesting approach to cutting out the transaction fees you would normally pay (ie. paypal charge card fees etc) – To my knowledge they haven’t had any big issues or complaints, and continue to gain market share in a very Paypal dominated market.

One suggestion that I usually tell my clients when I’m setting up e-com sites for them is to create a seperate checking account for your online transactions – and transfer the money out of that account once it is accounted for. This way if that account info gets leaked by bad security etc, your main accounts are still somewhat hidden from prying eyes.

Bottom line from what i’ve seen / used – dwolla is a decent service, that will continue to gain market share barring some crazy catastrophe or hacking.

State of the web

Has anyone else noticed lately that the web has become a dull boring wasteland of same shit different day or same shit different color? At least Charlie Sheen brought something new to the table for however brief of a time it was and however crazy / porn star induced lacing it may have been. At least it was interesting, and entertaining. Winning! Stay tuned for more updates coming shortly – taking a small breather to recharge the batteries.

The Internet is Deviant

http://www.mymodernmet.com
www.mymodernmet.com

This was a great find while surfing the web this morning. Ever wonder what happens when your favorite cartoon and comic strip characters get a little freaky and take a walk on the wild side? Go check it out and you’ll see what I mean. The interweb is a great place to find just about anything deviant and fun.

Video Blogging Pitfalls

Videoblogging is the next generation of posting ideas and products through the Internet. Everyone knows text blogging. Now, using videos to a better way of expression. This form of communication can lead to a lot of resources, but it’s worth. If pictures say a thousand words, Video Blogging is far above.

A disc on Videoblog require larger sites, to a faster server, and a whole new set of support programs. Videoblogs can be fed through RSS. This is the technology of Syndicating your website to other RSS aggregators.

Videoblogging works with people on the Internet to their own. Now if you do this on a prospective company that you have a lot of advantages. Think of it as a powerful tool in making your prospective customers your line of products or your services. It is like showing a commercial all for free. And if you Videoblog via RSS, so you probably get your target audience.

People want to see what they will buy. Some would like to see proof and evidence that they value for money for their shelves Dimes. Everything we know the impact of thirty-second commercial. Efficacy of video blogs represent. You show your product, people to see. If they want to buy them. If you present it good enough, they will buy the product, even if they do not need.

Now online, things are fairly static, unlike television, where everyone is moving. If you send something that is mobile, it is likely to capture attention. Now imaging your product show in all its royalties from Videoblog. You get phone call orders in no time.

If your company just starting out, you can create a Video Blog right in your own home. All you need is your web camera, microphone, video software, and light. Until you know how you can use your camera so you can video blog.

Invest in a good web camera. The higher the resolution, the better the output. And you should present your goods in the optimum way so that the best possible. Create a short story, or just capture your goods in one go. Make sure you have the best profile for each. Get those creative juices flow.

Lighting is important in a generation. Make sure you illuminate entirely the area you will use to make video blog. The lighter area Crispi pictures. You can also use lighting effects for added appeal to the presentation.

Should you require sounds for your Video Blog, you have a microphone. Take your voice as a voice on the product and the consumer benefits to promote. The sounds are just as important as videos on a video blog. It is advisable to make your sound effects as enticing to the video.

Your video editing software can be any program. You need this to complete your work. You can add sounds, delete some bad angles, or insert some pictures in there too. Some programs are user friendly and can be used even with zero knowledge on video editing. Even simple video editing programs should do the trick. Choose your background carefully. The light affects the presentation so make sure that the background and the light complements each other.

Videoblogging is a great tool, but also the downside. It can slow your computer so others can steer clear of. Download time may also be time consuming, especially if the customer is still on a dial-up connection.

But let them stop. Let Videoblogging an alternative for you, but it is still the best for text and pictures present in your presentation to all potential viewers of your site needs.

Today, more creative you are in presenting your product on the market, the greater your chance for success. Videoblogging offers an interactive way to sell. You involve the customers. You instill in them the advantage of your goods. And sometimes there is enough to make a sale.

Web Hosting Solutions

The search for a new hosting provider continues sadly. I am looking for a host that has great back end management as well as the speed and bandwidth that I need for all my sites. In the last few years its become increasingly hard to find a solid web hosting provider that is not trying to screw you over with lots of bells and whistles that you really do not need.

Hosting services are a nightmare to try and weed through on your own. One of the better solutions to this problem is to use a web host rating site that will compare all hosting solutions at a glance. A great site for this is webhostingrating.com. Their site provides me with instant reviews and easy to access checklists of information I am looking for in my new hosting solution, not to mention the great top ten list to get me started in the right direction.

Their top ten list is a who’s who of providers for any given year and has reviews and terms listed in a nice concise format. The best value though is when you start to drill down to some of the underlying content that they offer. Save yourself some cash and visit the budget hosting section where the list and review the best bang for the buck hosting solutions. Be sure to take note of the coupons provided as well to save yourself even more money.

Be sure to take your time and research your new web hosting provider thoroughly. If you are unsure of what you need in a hosting solution, just ask. Webhostingrating.com has a great support staff that will help you find the right solution to meet your needs.

Best of all if you’ve had a good or bad run in with a hosting company previously you can rate them and write your own review to help other users of the community in the future. Bottom line is this; if you are looking for new web hosting then you need to visit webhostingrating.com.

Using Landing Pages To Cash In

All the products that you want to sell online are ready.  You have already signed up with the Google Adsense program or with other affiliate marketing programs and you have already prepared the ad you want to post on your affiliate’s site.  Your mind is now set to being the next most successful online businessman.  But is there anything else that you might have forgotten to prepare?  Maybe none.  But how about your landing pages?  Are they all set for your business?

Landing pages are simply web pages where visitors are directed to whenever they click a result in a web search or whenever they click a web ad.  For affiliate marketing, landing pages would refer to the web page where you, as a merchant, would want your potential customer to be directed after clicking your ad on your affiliate’s website.  Landing pages are, at most times, nothing really different from other web pages in a particular website, especially if the said website is an e-commerce site.  Some online businessmen would even use the homepage of their websites as the landing page for their ads.  Are these businessmen making a big mistake?  Or should you follow their method in creating landing pages for their ads?

Well, you can always follow what most online retailers do, directing their potential customers to the homepages of their websites.  But if you want to achieve something more from your online business, and if you want to earn a lot of profits, you better create a special landing page for your web ads.  Why?  Here are a few reasons why you need to use landing pages for your web ads.  And take note, it would do you a lot better if you create a great landing page than a so-so one.

Reason no. 1: It is the only way you earn conversions in an affiliate marketing program.

There are a variety of affiliate marketing programs today, but most of these programs let the merchant pay the affiliate in a pay per click basis.  Basically, all you have to do is sign up with the program and submit your ad.  The program owner would then distribute your ad to various affiliates who would then place your ad on their websites.  Whenever your ad is clicked, a visitor would be directed to your landing page and you would have to pay the affiliate for his service.

As a merchant, you earn in an affiliate program through conversions—that is whenever a visitor that is directed to your site actually buys a product on your site.  Without these conversions, you actually earn nothing from the program.  Also, the more visitors that your affiliates have directed to your site, the larger would your expense be.  And the only way that you can recover from these expenses is through conversions.

Now, you sure won’t get any conversion if you have posted an ad on your affiliate’s site without an actual landing page for the potential customer to be redirected into.  It’s just like advertising a product without actually having a store to sell your product.  Your advertisement may be enticing enough to encourage people to purchase a product, but without the landing page, how will they know how to purchase the product

It is therefore important to have landing pages for your ads because it is the only way for you to earn something in an affiliate program.  Without landing pages, all you do is spend money paying your affiliates without actually getting anything in return.

Reason no. 2: Other web pages may just not be enough.

Many people make the mistake of making their website’s homepage as the landing page for their ads.  The same is true for those who make use of other pages like a “contact us” page or a product page.  Homepages are often designed to serve multiple users and contains a lot of links to other pages or to other websites.  The same is with the other two pages mentioned.  If you want to be successful in an affiliate program, we’re sure that you don’t want your landing page to cater to the needs of various people, most of which may not be really interested with your product.

When choosing a landing page, you must always have the customer directed into that page in mind.  Therefore, your landing page must be relevant to the keywords and the contents you placed on your ad.  It is also important that the landing page can induce your visitor to take action—that is to purchase your product or at least provide leads for potential customers.

AT&T InSite Small Business Make Over

Running your own small business is the American dream for a lot of people (actually that can be applied to the world in a lot of cases, but for purposes of this blog I will reference the U.S.). The problem is that most people have zero clue in how to go about starting a small business or what to do once they get it off the ground and it starts to be successful. This is where most businesses perish, within the first two years of the life cycle.

Getting your business plan together and in order is one of the most simple, yet most effective and essential parts of starting a business. The technology and computer aspects of a small  business are just another confusing step for most. This is where AT&T Small Business InSite web portal and contest come in handy. They have all the advice and resources that a small business could want. From help to business structure to the latest and geatest offerings in phones and communication tech.

If you head on over now to the AT&T Insite contest page you can register yourself and your small business for the giveaway thats going on. If you win, you receive a small business makeover with all the fixings from business planning to lots of great new resources for your business like phones etc. At the very least you will pick up some great free tips that will help you launch your small business to that next level.

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